Guilt About Guilt

For the last 2 weeks I've had to commute an hour and a half each way to work. The down side is that I have to wake up super early and leave the house by about 5:30. The up side is that I get to socialize with people in person. I'm in training and my little class is full of fun personalities. 

I haven't mentioned to anyone that I'm trying to get healthy because, quite frankly, I don't want to talk to them about it. One of the girls is super thin and probably has never had to diet a day in her life. The other is also thin and has said that she's gained a few pounds since she's gotten married. (This is of course invisible to anyone else.) I just feel big and awkward and unpretty by comparison to these thin, blonde, pretty girls. (And the nail in the coffin- they're actually really sweet and funny too- some bitches get it all!) I'm sure that they've noticed my daily salads and fruit, but they haven't said anything and neither have I. 

This morning one of the girls brought in homemade cinnamon rolls. I was faced not only with the temptation of indulging, but was also stricken when my friend turned to me expectantly and asked if I wanted one. What do I do?? Do I say "No thank you, I'm not hungry" right before devouring my Yoplait and fruit? Do I say "No, I shouldn't have that" which is the truth, but also stating aloud that I'm trying to be careful about what I eat (read- dieting). I don't want to answer questions about it- I want to pretend I'm completely happy with the way I look. Should I just eat it and feel terrible later?

I opted for the latter. I know I shouldn't have, and if it was just something that some random person brought in, I could have easily turned it down. But this was a homemade treat expressly for us. I couldn't hurt her feelings. Or my pride. 

Temptation is all around and the struggle to make healthy decisions aren't always black and white. Do you pass up lunch with friends because you can't trust yourself to make a healthy decision at the restaurant? Do you skip mom's lasagna when you know she'll pepper you with questions? Do you pass up on the cookies your nephews made for you? What's acceptable and what's not?

Maybe I should just tattoo my forehead: "Please don't feed the whales."

I know I'm not a whale. If anything, I'm an adorable little piglet. And for now, I'm ok with that. 

Why?

An article I read this morning mentioned that writing down the reason you want to lose weight may help the process. We all need reminders as motivation.

1.) I want to feel better about how I look. I want to go shopping and not walk away holding back tears because nothing fits. I want to look in the mirror and smile at what I see. I want to walk through Target and feel like I look just as cute as the well-dressed twenty-somethings or the adorable young moms toting around their equally adorable young children.

2.) I want to feel proud of myself. I see these strong and determined-looking women at the gym and I envy them. I know they've worked so hard for their bodies and I bet on top of looking great, they FEEL great about themselves. They're not perfect, no one ever is, but they've worked hard to get where they are and I want to know what that feels like. I felt it sometimes, when I was losing weight before. Just wanting to smile after a grueling workout or wanting to shout to everyone that you turned down the donuts at work. That smile that says "I did it." I want that again.

3.) I want to be strong. I want to move furniture with ease. I want to be able to climb one flight of stairs without huffing and puffing. I want to be able to walk my dogs and run them out if they need it without hurting myself or feeling as if I may pass out. I want for my hips to not hurt as I walk or my back to hurt from my large chest. I want to be stronger than my body is.

4.) I want to look hot. No, I don't think this is the same as #1. This one is a little different - more superficial, yes. But I want to be hot again. I want to walk with my wife and look just as good as her. I often think people must see us together and wonder why a young, sexy, great looking girl like her is with me. (I've confessed this to her and she thinks I'm completely ridiculous, but what you're loved ones tell you about how you look never makes a difference, does it?) I want to feel WORTHY of having Katie on my arm. I want to be at the gym and have women look at me the way I look at the beautiful and strong women now.\

5.) I want to look good naked. That is all.

6.) I want to transform. And I want my family and friends to see it and notice it. I want to be the topic of conversations - in a good way. I want people to say "Oh my God! Have you lost weight?" and then when I leave, I want them to keep talking about me... :)

7.) I want to be an inspiration. I want to show family and friends that if I can do it, you can do it. I want to be that person that I look up to now.

The End is Where We Begin

Why do we always have such a strong urge to change our lives with the beginning of another year? I never put a lot of stock into resolutions - I always say that I just try to do better everyday, regardless of the time of year. But clearly I haven't been trying very hard.

My story is a very common one - I was athletic and thin in high school and for a few years after that. Since then, I've steadily gained weight. About a year ago, after making some changes in my life, I had lost about 30 lbs. I was so proud of myself. I hadn't felt that good about myself in YEARS. Now, a year later, I not only gained it all back, but I realized this morning that I'm even heavier than when I started. Last time I lost weight, it wasn't easy, but it didn't seem this hard. It just seems that I can't get motivated.

So what has changed now? I'm not quite sure. I just feel like I have to keep trying different things to motivate myself and hold myself accountable. So I plan to use this blog as a way to review my decisions, document my progress and to turn to when I start to feel overwhelmed. I know this journey is one that a lot of people go through. I'm just another person trying to feel better about themselves.

I am lucky enough to work from home, so my plan is to try to schedule visits to the gym, alter my diet watch my total calorie intake, choosing healthy fruits, veggies, etc over the processed crap I've gotten used to. I gained most of my weight back when I was on the road as a sales rep, and my excuse at that point was that I only really had fast food to choose from. Then I didn't have any healthy options. Now I just have too many unhealthy options lurking in my kitchen. 

I started out this morning reading some great articles in Self (I'd already read through this month's issue of Oxygen) and it got me motivated. I went to LA Fitness and did some cardio. I'm already sore! Its just a start, but getting to the gym is easily the most difficult part of my workout. I need to remember to just start slow and be proud of my small accomplishments.

This morning included:
20 min - alternating walking (3.5 mph) and running (5 mph)
20 biking - interval course (around 12-15 mph)
4 min stairclimber - just enough to not fall over from exhaustion!

So thats it - this is the beginning. Here we go!